Sexism Stoplight: The Beauty Curse
November 28, 2009
by Optixmom
|
Dear TNA,
I have two issues that I would like some help resolving, both of them have to do with how I look. I work for a government contractor as a project manager and I am one of the only women working in my department. I have been told by my friends that I am attractive. “Cute” is a term that is used often to describe my looks and my personality. I always dress professionally at work, be it wearing pant suits or skirts with heels.
My first issue has to do with my male associates and the way that we as a group interact with customers. I have been involved with a high level project for quite a few months and everything has been going great in terms of meeting cost and schedule. Our customers visit our facility on a semi-regular basis to oversee their project. The last time that our clients were scheduled for a visit one of my bosses asked me,
“Can you please wear your prettiest dress? It is always nice to
have a good looking woman in our meetings to keep our clients happy.”
My second issue has to do with one of the men who works in my department. He goes out of his way to comment on my appearance whenever I see him passing in the hallway. He will say things like,
“Hello gorgeous!” or “How’s it going beautiful?”
His comments make me extremely uncomfortable. How can I address both men and let them know that their comments bother me.
Sincerely,
Ms. G. Looken
Suggestions on addressing the situation.
Dear Ms. Looken,
In regard to your bosses comment you can use humor and say,
“I will always look professional regardless. Our clients will be so impressed by our progress that you need not worry about anything other than that.”
Then, with the hallway colleague I would be very direct and tell him in a strong affirming tone,
“Your comments regarding my looks make me uncomfortable. A simple “Hello” or “How are you doing?” is all that is necessary.”
What say you peeps? Would you handle this situation differently?
Holy ***** batman. That’s some serious unbridled sexism! Prettiest DRESS?? WTF? I wear the same things as the above project manager and I’d -never- wear a DRESS to work in 100 years. They are basically belittling her on the team as the token eye-candy
a pretty woman to keep the clients happy. You’re there to keep the clients happy …with your beauty? that’s just sick and twisted. Like you’re the hooker and they are the pimp men. harassment 100%
I wouldn’t know what to say because I’d be too busy puking. I’m seriously going to vomit just reading that. After the vomit I might formulate a plan to catch it, on tape or something, sue them for harassment and discrimination> Oh and find out how much more they are being paid to harass you and include that in the law suit.
would be enraged just like Kiuku.
the suggested answer would probably work. but the comments are seriously offensive. these guys need to learn quickly that raising beauty shows lack of professionalism. it is offensive anywhere but beyond discussion at the workplace. everybody has to contribute to a productive climate.
these comments mean that the boss and the colleague think, that a woman is there for their pleasure, if not as servant, than for their eyesight. it is disgusting.
we have sexual harassment laws. this beauty stuff need to be included in that category. it stars with words, objectifying words before they touch.
Like Kiuku said, the first one is blatant sexism. You are NOT there to look pretty or keep the men happy. You are there to do a job. You need to confront them and tell them those comments are completely inappropriate.
The second one is just a misunderstanding. The man wants to be friendly and thinks you will feel flattered. “Gorgeous” and “beautiful” are compliments as opposed to hideous or ugly. Just tell him you appreciate his wanting to be friendly, but that you would also really appreciate conversations and less attention to your looks.
Wow! I’m sorry you had to put up with that. I’m not sure I would be able to contain myself in regards to the first comment. In lieu of walking out, I may have said something like “I beg your pardon? I’m just going to pretend you didn’t say that. I will dress professionally as I always do, thank you.” As for the dude constantly addressing your looks, I wouldn’t agree with Karen that it’s a misunderstanding. Unless he lives in a cave, he is well aware of his inappropriateness and will continue it unless you stop him.
I think for the first one I would just wear the most androgynous plain black suit I had and let that make my point. For the second,I always just say “Thank you, my husband thinks so too!” I guess it depends on whether you need to get along with this guy or if you can risk him bad mouthing you when you correct him. It really is like dancing through a mine field every day. Exhausting!
yes I agree that the second one is also blatant sexism. And taken together with the first may indicate a culture of male sexism has been brewing among her insecure male colleagues. Perhaps they try cajol one another that she only got hired for her looks, and want to say it to her indirectly. So I actually thought up some responses. When they say “Hey beautiful” you could come up with a pet name for them based on how they look, maybe pudgy or skeletor if they are thin;something about balding usually will strike a nerve, and then make sure to smile and giggle and poke them and say “you know i’m kidding with you right”. The hey beautiful thing will end there. Then you could say with the inflaming dress comment that..you know..sometimes getting crude makes a point. You could say “Yea and maybe I could throw a tittie-fuck in too; that might keep em real happy, but if they are gay you might have to take the reigns on that one huh Bob. I hear they just go wild for the “insert body type” body type. Maybe you can bring it up to our boss at our next meeting!”
What I like to do when men cave around and bring up the topic of “hot women” as an exclusion tactic, I will usually chime in, in a complete monotone, and say “Yea so-and-so is so hot I’d like to have sex with her all the time”
Of course the unfortunate thing is that getting crude works, but is completely unprofessional and will cause a few dialogues. The good thing is that the men will feel like you did something to them they didn’t deserve, but will likely lose the dialogue.
in order for crude to work you have to say it completely serious without any emotional inflection. For an even better effect you could simultaneously jot it down as an agenda bullet note for the next meeting. “Hot dress” “Tittie F***” Ok great thanks Bob/bill whatever name that caveman calls himself
It depends if you want to be right or advance your career. I would always choose advancing my career. The odds of you or anyone else finding the attitudes of all their coworkers to be just the way you’d like them are slim to none, that is why they call it work and pay you to do it. I would ignore the second comment it is misguided but not worth corrective effort on your part. For the first comment I would say…”Yikes! You know me,I don’t do pretty dresses or heels, I hope they will be happy with the amazing progress I’ve made on their project.”
“His comments make me extremely uncomfortable. How can I address both men and let them know that their comments bother me.”
Bes, the woman stated that the comments make her extremely uncomfortable, therefore she should not have to endure them every time she sees the guy. She has a right to tell him to stop. She should not have to sacrifice herself just to make him not feel uncomfortable. This is the age old problem with women having to be the doormat just to please the man.
You just need to firmly say “that type of comment is inappropriate for the workplace” and leave it at that. Wash, rinse, repeat, until they stop. The pigs know it’s wrong, they just need to know YOU wont tolerate it.
If advancing her career were all that mattered, she’d give her boss a blow job.
Bes is clearly a man. I love how he classifies harassment as “work place attitudes” that you just have to be flexible with.
Yipes, I think that that last comment supposedly made by Bes was actually made by me — I think I’d meant ot say, “Bes, if advancing her career … ” and put the name in the wrong slot.
If this screwed up people’s perceptions, MEA CULPA. Sorry …
Oh Janis thank goodness. That’s a good response to Bes, who is still identifying with the men in this instance and is more interested in putting her in her place and giving her a response that would tip toe around the harasser’s feelings. She needs to take the issue to HR, as soon as possible, so she will have a better chance of working with men who take her seriously. Sexual harassment does not advance careers; contrary to what men think.
On that note, I find it interesting that in my own workplace, a lot of the women wear dresses. Like slinky, very feminine dresses with heels, and it worries me. It’s kind of creepy. The heels are quite high too. It’s very unprofessional, and I think they get positive attention from the men and they take that as an indication that they are doing a good job, so they dress more feminine. I dont’ know, actually, but it creeps me out and makes me wonder whether or not there is a culture of misogyny in this office that either hires feminine women, or feminizes the women.
It won’t work. The men will enjoy the eye candy and still hand promotions and bonuses to one another; those women are being made fools of.
Like I said in another post, if being sexy were all that mattered, every politician and CEO on Earth would be a sexy woman. The truth is they’re still a bunch of ugly old men. Men use and discard sexy women; they don’t REWARD them. Unless they can talk one into believing that being used is a reward, which some are far enough in denial to believe.
When defining appropriate professional clothing for women (in particular, young women) it becomes exceedingly difficult. Fashion mags would have women wearing a cork and two Band-aids to be “trendy” in the workplace. I don’t know how many times I have seen fashion trend shows on the morning talk shows that only highlight clothing for the women in the workplace where the clothing is obscene.
In a perfect world it shouldn’t matter what the women wear to work if they are a professional. I like to wear skirts and heels because I happen to like pretty shoes and I also like to be tall. Height is also a driver in the professional world (at least among men). I also like to be able to walk, so I keep the heels under 1.5″ (not the high-heeled FM Pumps).
Young women receive so many mixed messages on how to dress from our society.
And we receive few message on how to make our resumes look as good as our hair. (And there are the damned-if-you-do situations that can render it all moot, like not getting a promotion because you didnt’ ask, or not getting one because you did and were seen as too pushy.)
I just wish sometimes I heard more young women asking how to make their resumes look their best at a job interview instead of which earrings to wear.
Janis and Optix bring great points. I’d also like to say you just can’t trust male advice. Men are in eachother’s corners all the time. I knew I was being underpaid, and I asked men for advice on my pay, knowing I’d probably be lied to, and they lied to me. They actually thought they could convince me that my salary was ‘high’.
Leave your Response
Supporting women.
Ending sexism.
Finding common ground.
We’re in the Media »
Click to see our latest stories in the media
More Stories »Recent Comments
The Latest from our Blog
Archives
Blogroll
Find the New Agenda Online
Subscribe Entries (RSS) | Comments (RSS)
The New Agenda is a 501(c)(4) organization dedicated to improving the lives of women and girls by bringing about systemic change in the media, at the workplace, at school and at home. More...