Speak Up Ladies!!!
November 12, 2009
by Contributor
|The opinions expressed herein are those of the author, and not necessarily those of The New Agenda.
I am Jewish. I grew up in a small Midwestern city without many Jews back in the 1960’s, and even though my family was well off, there were at that time many things we were barred from doing. When we moved into a new house, our realtor went to every homeowner in the neighborhood to find out if there was going to be any problem with us moving in. We weren’t allowed to join most of the clubs in town. My father had to travel 40 miles to find a place that would let him play a game of golf. I was taunted by my classmates mercilessly as a “dirty Jew” or “you’re going to hell.” Some children refused to sit next to me in class because they were afraid that by association they would also end up in hell. My mother was constantly at the school trying to convince the school to raise its consciousness a little bit about these things. We even had a swastika burned on our lawn one night.
As you can imagine, it left its scars. If you fast forward to today, I married an Italian 37 years ago and took his name (my maiden name had 12 unpronounceable letters—his only had 6!). I also look quite Italian. So society always assumes I am Italian. As such, if people want to make anti-Semitic slurs, they assume I’m going to be in on the game. I decided long ago that I wasn’t going to let ANY anti-Semitic remark go uncommented on no matter who said it. People generally know that these things are wrong, but they do it anyways to be “part of the crowd.” I also think they do it out of ignorance. Lots of well-intentioned people haven’t been around many Jews and they just don’t realize that what they say is offensive. I speak up kindly and give them all the benefit of the doubt, but I always educate as to why what they say is offensive.
This brings me to the purpose of this piece. I have decided that I will no longer let ANY snarky comment pass that is made about a female politician without my commenting on it. In particular, I absolutely refuse to let anything awful be said about Nancy Pelosi and Sarah Palin in my presence.
Now before some of you get all jumpy about this, let me explain. I don’t necessarily like everything about both of them. It’s not about that. It’s about allowing our female politicians be used as everyone’s punching bag. I am sick and tired of our women becoming symbols of everything people like to hate about the other party. I’m telling people that by engaging in that kind of talk, we are sending a toxic message to our girls. Why would they ever aspire to run for office when it is so easy to make them look ridiculous—and with the 100% complicity of our society thinking that this is ok? And by giving this message, how will we ever get to 50%? Or even 30% parity?
For those of you who might say, well some of these women are dangerous, I say to you—-many of the men are dangerous!!! But even those who I don’t like managed to get together and make sure that Viagra was covered in the healthcare bill. I don’t like all Jews either—–in fact some of them are real pains in the tuchus. But I won’t stand for them to be slurred. We shouldn’t stand for our women to be slurred either. Especially not while we’re trying to build a voting bloc to get more women elected so that OUR concerns will be addressed regularly and we won’t always have to be begging for a few crumbs.
So ladies—–SPEAK UP!!!!
We at TNA have created quite a ripple effect in our 15 months—-and we started with just 30 women. With the many many thousands more coming to our cause every day, we can create a massive tsunami for our cause if we speak up. You were given all the equipment you need to do it——let’s go!!!!
Standing up in anyway that seems defensive of Sarah Palin in New York City, makes people look at you like you’re crazy…or at least it did.
If you’ve found a good way to say things, maybe you could give us some examples, Cynthia.
Thank you for writing this article, it is very important that we speak up.
Anne-Marie——If you say it gently, even in New York City where I used to live, people will understand that it’s okay to discuss and disagree, but that it plays into a cultural stereotype to go further in villifying women—-any women, love, hate, right, left. That kind of sport is simply hurting the cause of women and plays into why we are stalled at 17%. Let people vent and get all of their negative feelings out, and then you can plant the seeds of reason and tolerance. You never know when you’ve gotten through to someone. I’m certain that we will all win some and lose some, but we will lose them all if we don’t make the effort.
I’ve done the speaking up bit in NYC in regard to Sarah Palin. The sexist usually says something in defense like “I’m not sexist – Sarah Palin actually DOES just have a head full or rocks! She’s an idiot!”
And then it goes into an hour long discussion/ argument in regard to why Sarah Palin is/ isn’t an idiot, etc. I tend to do a bit of correcting since usually the sexist has believed many a myth about Palin, but the convo never turns out well.
Still… I think every time we speak up we plant a seed. Even if the seed is that the next time the person wants to say something sexist they will think twice or wonder if they will offend someone… I think this is a good start.
I think fighting against racism/ bigotry / sexism can simply begin by shaming people.
Cynthia, your piece resonates and I’m so glad things have changed. Not 100 percent but it’s better today. My sister used to be called “chinc” when we were in school and it was very common to tease her by saying that she worked in a laundry mat (which she didn’t). Today, these kind of racial slurs are much less common because people spoke up. Thank god.
And if people speak up in regard to sexism things will change, too.
“In particular, I absolutely refuse to let anything awful be said about Nancy Pelosi and Sarah Palin in my presence.”
Good idea, but how? I was watching a play a few weeks ago – a ‘modern reinterpretation’ of Shakespearean play structure – and an actor randomly wore a wig and high heels and caricatured himself as ‘the woman who can see Russia from her house’. I was fuming, but any ideas on how I could’ve protested?
Chevalier—-Some situations will be beyond our ability to change. I believe however that we can win hearts and minds to our POV one person at a time if we all speak up. The tide will turn.
I always do speak up but then I don’t hang with self righteous liberal gas bags so after I speak up people quietly contemplate what I said for a few seconds take it in to account and alter their behavior some. This is a good cause and I bet you will have some stories to tell!
Great article Cynthia. I think all of us can do something at least similar by drawing our own line in the sand. It causes me actual physical pain to “defend” Nancy Pelosi, but I remind myself that it isn’t about her. It’s about fighting AGAINST sexism not FOR Pelosi. That’s where I draw my line!
The other thing to remember is that Both Palin and Pelosi are not East coast establishment so East coasters are also responding to their classist belief that these two are obviously far below them. I’m not saying there isn’t sexism there also, you have a peculiar brand of sexism coming out of the east. Men are blatantly ignorantly sexist and women pretend there is not a problem. You can’t imagine how foolish it looks from the outside looking in.
Amen Cynthia.
For us and our future. Our children – girls and boys – are modeling after what they see from us.
BTW, sigh, is it true that Viagra is covered in our healthcare bill? Recently when I was on a panel for Bonnie Erbe’s To the Contrary, Bay Buchanan was making an argument as a conservative against infertility treatment for women – that nature should be left me. Wonder what Pat would say about Viagra – or Bay?
Tell them, “So is it okay to call Alan Keyes (rabid psychotic right-wingers) a n*gger?” Watch them sputter.
You: “Well, he IS crazy/an idiot/hateful/a nutcase!”
Them: “Yes, but that word’s not acceptable in any instance!”
You: “So why are sexist slurs against women who you just happen to disagree with okay?”
Janis,
Yes, I agree! This works well when the sexist uses words such bitch, slut or whore. But when the sexism is more subtle it’s harder. For example, I think a lot of people’s overwhelming belief that Palin is an idiot stems from sexism. But “idiot” in itself is not a sexist word. So you kind of have to go at it from a tougher direction and damn if it doesn’t always go back to Katie Couric for these people.
In terms of bitch, slut and whore, here’s a oneliner that I got from Femisex that shuts people up right away:
http://www.femisex.com/content.....-they-rape
“Slut is the word most used by rapists when they rape.” (followed closely by bitch and whore)
It amazes me that people can wax on and on for their love of these words and claim that they aren’t sexist. But this line shuts them up right away.
Great article. I too live in an area where its considered sophisticated and chic to pretend that sexism doesn’t exist – or at least, that it doesn’t matter. Its incredibly frustrating to hear these people – especially the women- cut Palin or other women to pieces. When I object, I’m regarded as a “defective”.
I agree with the other posters who said that it would be VERY helpful to have actual phrases and responses to fall back on when we’re being ganged up on by people who insist on trashing our female politicians at every opportunity.
Perhaps we can start a running thread of sample insults (the kind we hear at every cocktail party)and everyones’ best responses to them. This would permit us to practice our defense of other women before we’re put on the spot in a hostile environment to do so.
Cynthia this is wonderful!
I just recently joined my political party’s local committee. There are about 15% women on the council. I have made it my mission to stamp out any sexist behavior as best I can. Most of the local town representatives (selectmen, etc.) are of the opposite party and they are also mostly women. I want the men on our party’s local council to know that I will be a watchdog for sexist behavior and will not tolerate it in any discussion regarding our future election opponents. We have to take a stand in both parties and stamp out the behavior. I am starting small in my community, but who knows, maybe I will produce a trickle up effect.
Alison, I would just say that Barky Obama SAYS he’s pro-choice, but he ACTS like he’s not.
Sarah Palin SAYS she’s pro-life, but ACTS pro-choice, legislatively speaking.
What matters more to them — what someone SAYS or what they DO? If they are going to call anyone an idiot, who should it be, the person who is personally anti-choice but won’t take your rights away, or the lying emeffer who says he’s pro-choice and who sits by and lets your rights be ripped off? He only took a stand on Stupak after he said that healthcare and abortion were two different things, gawbless him for being bucketmouthed enough to give us a money quote on that one.
Or give them a long list of Barky’s gaffes (57 states, the Great Lakes in Oregon, the cute little “shout-out,” etc. etc. etc.) and ask them who they think said those things. Then, direct them to YouTube to find out.
Ask them about “I can see Russia from my house” and then send them to YouTube when you tell them that Tina the Backstabber Fey said it when she was in Palin getup.
Then just say, “Now, who’s the idiot?”
Well maybe not that last, but I’ve given up on making nice with people like that. If they are so desperate to have a girlie to hate, I don’t need them to like ME.
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Janis—I always love reading your comments!!
pacific-cali—-I couldn’t help but think that vis-a-vis your comments that those people who are the most intransigent need to hear our message more than the rest. They have an invisible sign around their neck that says :”make me feel important.” Their intransigence is a sign of their insecurity. They hang onto their views like Linus and his blankie. What’s important is letting them vent and then calmly stating our views. When the world changes, they will be more ready to move with it because you took the time to feed their minds with a different idea. I know I know, these types are maddening, but knowledge is power……
optixmama—let’s go for it. Using scripted responses is a time-honored tradition in the public marketplace of ideas. I guess that’s how we can stay on-message!!!
When someone says that Sarah Palin is batsh!t crazy because she believes such and such, I try to have a “you mean like ____?” Example: How can you support a b!tch who would deny you the right to choose? You mean that when it comes to abortion, Sarah Palin agrees with Tim Kaine? Most every political belief held by Palin is also held by at least one guy in the Democratic Party. When a woman bad mouths Nancy Pelosi, I say that unfortunately, Nancy is the kind of woman who thinks to be powerful she needs to be the only woman in the room. If we send her more women to work with, they’ll teach her how to be supportive of other women when she exercises the power she has attained. In either case I politely ask them to refrain from using sexist slurs because it reflects badly on the them, and I don’t want to think less of them, which I will and do if they don’t stop.
Cynthia, I’m gratified. I always wonder if yallz aren’t sitting there going, “OH GOD NO SHE COMMENTED AGAIN.”
Okay, I can’t help it. I do not think there is ANY comparison between commenting on the issues regarding Sarah Palin versus Nancy Pelosi. In fact, I think it is sexist not to comment. Extremely sexist.
Nancy Pelosi is a horrible person. She is a liar and a cheater. Furthermore I sincerely believe that she has violated my constitutional rights (as well as those of other Americans) and that she is lacking even a modicum of moral decency such that I cannot think of one single redeeming feature about this woman. On a hate scale she is up there with the worst of them–men and women so heinous that they force you to hate them. The fact that she is a woman and a Democrat makes it even worse. But it does not give her a FREE PASS. In fact, I hold her in greater contempt.
I can trash the hell out of Nancy Pelosi, and I should trash the hell out of Nancy Pelosi, because she is a contemptible un-American evil piece of human filth. It does not make me sexist it makes me honest.
Sarah Palin has her admirers and her non-admirers, but the treatment she has received since being selected by John McCain as his running mate is nothing less than verbal rape by most of America. The lies and untruth told about her, the inordinate scrutiny of every part of her body, the repulsive assault on her family and children, and the failure of most women’s organizations to say boo was sexism. Rapid, out of control, sexism. Not talking about this makes me a sexist.
The only thing in common Sarah and Nancy have is gender, and neither should be able to hide behind it. Being a feminist and supporting women cannot mean defending Nancy if you defend Sarah; in fact, being a feminist and supporting women MUST mean defending Sarah after eviscerating (of course figuratively) Nancy.
Perhaps because I have been one of 25 women in a group of 1700 men, I understand where Nancy is coming from. She fought hard to become Speaker of the House and along the way she gave up her connection to her womanhood to do it. If we had given her more women to work with, she may have not felt the need to do that. Although I am disappointed that she chose that route instead of reaching behind her and pulling more women up with her, I refuse to vilify her. It’s not easy being the first woman to break a glass ceiling, particularly when the ceiling is as high as the one she broke through. We need to make sure that the second woman to become Speaker of the House has enough women around her that she doesn’t think she has to sacrifice her connection to women to do it. Criticize her all you want, but remember that she is a very important “first” and that may have come with a large price tag.
Samanthasmom,
Like Obama, winning by cheating or winning by lying or winning by backstabbing is not a win it is a steal and as such it does not deserve respect or support especially when combined with the fact that Ms. Pelosi will go down in history as the worst speaker of the worst house in the history of this country (if we even have a history). Nancy Pelosi made promises and then BROKE THEM and made sure that Hillary Rodham Clinton would have her win stolen from her and us. To support her in the name of feminism or anything is just wrong.
For feminism to mean something and affect change such that the power paradigm is shifted, even slightly, must mean that women take the high road. If I wanted a man to do her job I would have supported a man. Little did I know that her gender is just a slight of hand, she is just the same old politician except worse. way worse. because she is one of us.
You can win, do the right thing, and walk tall. Hillary did it. And don’t you suckers ever forget it.
Jennifer, you can trash her policies, but you just can’t stand by to let others trash her sexually. You can’t. All it will teach men is that there are some women for whom sexual humiliation is okay. Then, if they want to have some fun on a bitch, they can just convince you she asked for it.
It’s like saying that you need to know who the rape victim is before you can say whether the rape was wrong. You need to take MORE pleasure in slapping down sexism than you find in watching a deserving bitch get hers. That’s what it amounts to, or else sexism stays around.
Janis,
On that I 100% agree with you and if I missed that point I apologize. ABSOLUTELY Nancy Pelosi should stand on her actions alone and no comment regarding her looks, her womanhood, etc., etc., is acceptable on any level.
I can stand with her and defend her against sexism while holding her responsible for her horrible behavior all day long. And I will. I will defend her against sexism as loudly as I chastise her and I agree that the former is more important. for many reasons.
Oh yes, good post! I try to speak up for women, even women I don’t agree with. From Britney Spears to Anne Coulter. I don’t care what people think of them, every human being has a right to be treated with some basic dignity.
Currently my pet peeve is Carrie Perjean. True, she said some things that offended people. For that she lost her crown, she’s been drug thru court, she’s been sued. Now we’re using her breast surgery and a sex tape to farther humiliate and shame her. You know, we don’t even do that to convicted pedophiles. Seriously, a serial rapist is given more respect. You could murder people in this country and we would never sexually mock and ridicule you. We have laws against cruel and unusual punishment. We don’t shame and humiliate our worst criminals, but we have no problem doing it to women.
Jennifer, we’re definitely on the same page.
Carrie Prejean’s whole ordeal infuriates me. She said almost exactly the same thing that Barky (and every other male politician) said, and he was greeted as the goddamned second coming for it. Seriously — she said something like “I think it’s great that in the US you can choose one way or the other, but I was raised to think it’s man and woman.” Barky wasn’t even that generous; all he said was, “I was raised to think it should be man and woman.” Prejean’s comment was MORE LIBERAL THAN HIS!
Prejean was WAY more generous than what Barky said about gay marriage while campaigning, and she probably thought it was a completely innocuous, correctly worded answer. It would have been had she had a schlong.
And the whole world shit on her for it, and so her position hardened in self-defense.
It’s all completely disgusting. There’s no WAY that what happened to her would have been half as vicious if she hadn’t been a woman, and a pretty one to boot — because if television is any indicator, there’s nothing the world likes more than seeing some hot bitch get what’s coming. (If you think men like attractive women, you must live on a planet that isn’t this one.)
*steam comes out my ears*
Sorry, I need to go get dinner and get away from this topic.
janis,
you are a better writer than 99% of the so called feminist authors writing about real issues out there.
Great article, Cynthia. And the comments were all insightful. Yes we do need to speak up against sexism when it happens – over and over again. Sometimes it feels like I’m in a swamp and have a hard time slogging through it. My family constantly makes nasty comments about Sarah. When I call them on it, although I’m afraid I’m probably not as nice as you, they just stare at me like I’m an idiot. Well, perhaps I am for trying to raise their consciousness.
What is happening to Carrie Prejean has offended me as well. I didn’t think her comments were at all offensive. She is entitled to her own opinion. And to get eviscerated for it. This last election season has been a real nightmare. Hillary, Sarah, and the beat goes on and on…
Thanks, Cynthia.
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