The opinions expressed herein are those of the author, and not necessarily those of The New Agenda.

As a judge on the TV show “So You Think You Can Dance”, Mary Murphy has never been accused of holding back her opinion or the details of her personal life. Now she is telling her full story. Murphy recently revealed that she has been keeping a secret for over 30 years. She is a survivor of domestic violence. Nine years of domestic violence to be exact.

What made Mary Murphy speak out about the painful details of her marriage now? Rihanna did. During an interview with Larry King on October 20th, Murphy said, “I still had no intention to talk to anybody until I saw Rihanna’s face and seeing that just brought it all up. Abuse, it just survives and thrives in silence.”

I immediately wondered why it was Rihanna that made her finally break her silence and speak out. Why not Tina Turner’s revelation of domestic violence? Why not the OJ Simpson case? Murphy and her husband started dating when they were students at Ohio State. Murphy was 19 and her future husband was 18. My hunch is that Rihanna’s incident resonated in ways the others did not. Make no mistake, what Mary Murphy suffered through those 9 years was domestic violence, but if we ignore the fact that it started when she was a teenager then we will have missed an important point. Domestic violence was the end point, but the starting point was an unhealthy and abusive teen relationship filled with physical, sexual, economic and emotional violence.

If we want to solve the problem of domestic violence we need to look at were it started, what it grew from. In domestic violence, power and control lay roots. Traditional gender roles lay roots. Unhealthy teen relationships and teen dating violence also lay roots. This is an important month to start pulling up these insidious roots. October is dedicated to both reflection and action around domestic violence. If we haven’t already, this month should drive us to break the silence and start the conversation with teens about what they deserve and should expect in a healthy relationship. It is time to share our own stories and challenges to help them grow into healthy young men and women. Most importantly, is a time to listen to them and to hear their hopes and concerns. If we start listening to the young people in our lives, maybe we can help prevent them from ever having to go through what Mary Murphy experienced and move domestic violence and teen dating violence out of our daily lives and daily news cycles and into our history books.

Mary, I hope that you continue to find your voice. Now that you have broken your silence it is our job to make sure we are listening and acting.