Where’s the “Teachable Moment” for Teen Dating Violence?
August 19, 2009
by Amy Siskind
|This article originally was published at More.com, “Celebrating Women 40+.”
“I wonder why he hit her?” A Rihanna song came on the radio and one of the sixth-grade girls in my SUV innocently asked that question—which was all I needed to start the conversation. I was driving the girls–all members of the basketball team that I coach—to see a Big East tournament, but I took that teachable moment to give them an important message about protecting themselves in life rather than on the court.
When the U.S. was riveted by Professor Gates’s arrest in Cambridge, President Obama used the incident as a teachable moment about racism. I wish he had been equally vocal back in February when Rihanna was hit, and some believe almost strangled to death, by her singer-boyfriend, Chris Brown. But even if President Obama isn’t aware of the shocking statistics on dating violence against our teenage daughters–or, if aware, isn’t alarmed enough to take action–then we mothers need to be.
So here’s what I did in my packed SUV on that cold night in February: I turned off the radio and stopped the conversation. I told the girls in very clear terms that it is not okay for a boy to touch them in any way that hurts them or makes them feel uncomfortable. And if this ever happens, they should immediately tell their mother, their father, their guidance counselor, their coach, or whichever adult they feel comfortable talking to. I told the girls that “why did he hit her?” is not the right question. That there is no excuse for physical violence, period, so there’s no satisfactory answer to “why?”
And if you think girls don’t need to be told that, you’re wrong. I was shaken to the core by an article in The Boston Globe that reported on a survey of local teens. Of the girls and boys questioned by the Boston Public Health Commission shortly after the Rihanna incident, more than half the teens said that the media was treating Brown unfairly, and 46 percent said Rihanna was responsible for the incident. And 44 percent of the teens said that fighting was a routine occurrence in their dating lives. Is this an outlier? Sadly, no.
Just because our daughters aren’t coming home from school and talking about violence, doesn’t mean they aren’t aware. Forty percent of teenage girls say they know someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend. But while many teens know all about this, parents typically do not. As I speak to moms and dads about the work that my organization, The New Agenda, is doing to raise pubic awareness, very few are aware of the shocking statistics:
- 1 in 3 female teenagers in a dating relationship has feared for her physical safety.
- 1 in 2 teenagers in a serious relationship has compromised personal beliefs to please a partner.
- 1 in 5 teenagers in a serious relationship reports having been hit, slapped, or pushed by a partner
Mothers also need to be aware of two new cellphone-related dangers facing our daughters: sexting and stalking.
“Sexting” is sending sexually explicit photos or messages electronically. This is not only frightening it is also illegal in some states. I spoke recently on a PBS panel to discuss a case in Pennsylvania where three girls who had sexted were arrested under the state’s child pornography laws. Parent shocker: Almost 1 in 4 teenage girls is sending nude or semi-nude photos of herself via cell phone.
Stalking is equally prevalent. Almost 1 in 3 teenage girls who date are stalked on their cell phones. And of the girls who are stalked, only about 1 in 4 tell their parents.
So what can we as mothers do?
- use the next “teachable moment” as an opening to talk about domestic violence with our daughters and sons (or refer back to Rihanna);
- show your daughter an educational Web site like Love is Respect;
- spread the word to other parents in our communities;
- send this article or an email citing the above statistics to the principal of your children’s school and ask that teenage domestic violence be covered in the school’s health education program or other curriculum.
I agree, excellent post. Did not look at that before. I wish Obama had made the incident with Rhianna a teachable moment on battery, just as he used the situation with Gates/Crowley to teach about racism.
Interesting and informative. But will you write about this one more?
Wonderful piece, Amy. This should inspire Americans to start this conversation – our concern for the well being of our daughters. Or our nieces. Or our friend’s daughters.
Recently I’ve been trying to gather info on world wide domestic violence and violence against women statistics. I am by no means an academic in the field of women’s studies so it was challenging for me to come up with any meaningful numbers. Statistics seem to be a difficult thing to judge because it is all based on what is reported. But the thesis in my head is that how we treat women and portray them as a culture matters. And that domestic violence rates and violence against women rates would vary in countries/ communities depending upon attitudes/ cultural perceptions/ media portrayals of women (as well as policy).
So, I also started looking into Sweden which is known for having great policies that benefit women. And yet still they are just beginning to acknowledge their domestic violence problem. So really, it seems policy is not EVERYTHING when it comes to the safety of women and girls. We have to start changing the way we think.
Great Post!
We have been preaching online safety and the dangers of sexting for a few years now. We started http://www.mynetshepherd.com to help parents learn and understand what they can do to help protect their kids.
We have heard first-hand and,of course, seen in the news what can happen.
Protect your kids NOW!
I was recently surfing Huff Po (I am a liberal who leans Democratic) in order to find articles written about the health care issue (I support a public option). I saw that Larry Flynt blogs there. Speechless. I was just stunned speechless. I scrolled down, and most people were praising him. My heart sank. I don’t know where to go with this, so I just decided to bring it here so I could vent. I dislike the netroots more and more, I even fear them. I feel like the rest of us—the “other” liberals and Democrats— are being tossed out of the way. Where can we go with our own ideas and concerns, since we are not the netroots? I like Obama, I like most of the Democrats. I like Secretary of State Clinton, I like some of the cabinet. But, I do not like the netroots.
worldtraveler,
The New Agenda just started to formally accept members this month. We have, for the past year, been activitist in the blogosphere (see our media section) on speaking out for issues that impact women and girls. You will see in the coming year a move towards getting our membership much more involved in making change. Please join us!
worldtraveler, they were probably talking about the Flynt re: the free speech issue but millions feel like you. Also check out the Blogroll here and the two right hand columns at http://dailypuma.blogspot.com/.
H Amy,
As the author of the Boston Public Health Commission survey you mentioned, I truly appreciate you speaking out against the the very serious issue of dating violence. You’re right in that we do have a responsibility to help young men and women understand that violence in a relationship is never ok. They need to understand that physical, emotional sexual and all forms of violence are not part of healthy relationship. We also need to stress what exactly a healthy relationship looks like, feels like and sounds like. The Rihanna and Chris Brown incident has given us an opening to talk to the young people in our lives…we need to make sure that we don’t waste the opportunity.
Thanks for stopping by Casey. We are committed to raising awareness in this area.
We are contemplating putting together a forum on speaking to our teenagers about dating violence. If you would like to be involved, please let us know.
If not, let’s find ways to work together in raising awareness!
Hi Amy,
I would be excited to be involved in a forum about speaking to teens about dating violence. After the survey was released we held a series of community forums throughout Boston called “Beyond Chris Brown and Rihanna: Moving the conversation about teen dating violence forward.” We included a youth panel who spoke who spoke about the issue of dating and dating violence with very authentic voices. Let’s stratagize so we can share best practices and make sure that it doesn’t take another tragic incident like this to get people talking!
Heard you on WOR AM- Glad to hear you are putting this info out there. My book “Invisible Girls: The Truth About Sexual Abuse” and my website http://www.girlthrive. are changing the culture around abuse of teen girls. Keep speaking out for our girls. We all need to! Dr. Patti
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