Not too hot, Not too cold….
May 13, 2009
by Amy Siskind
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This article is not going to win me any popularity contests. But, it needs to be said.
On Monday, we published a short piece on our blog about a Sunday NYT Business article titled Backlash: Women Bullying Women at Work. From the comments on our blog and the emails that I received, it seems this story has really hit a nerve.
Now I’ll be the first to say that the MSM likes nothing better than a negative story about women. If we learned nothing else in 2008, it’s that no woman is ever going to be good enough for our media. Recall the ole “Hillary wears painsuits”, “Sarah wears clothes that a shopper bought for her”, etc., etc. Not too hot, not too cold.
But then again, is any woman ever going to be good enough for other women? When I read the NYT article I hardly found it surprising. Does this exist? You bet it does. And it’s not just in corporate America, it pervades all of our culture. Elizabeth Edwards recently wrote a book exposing her husband’s affair. For this she was gang tackled by prominent female journalists here, here, and here. I mean c’mon – give me a break. The woman is dying of cancer for chr*ssake. If she wants to write a book, let her write a g-dd*amn book. And hold on – weren’t some of these same female journalists equally critical of one Silda Wall Spitzer for her silence one year ago? Not too hot, not too cold.
Now I’ll be the first to admit that the world of “women’s rights” is new to me. Until TNA, the messages of the old national women’s organizations just did not resonate with me. But that doesn’t mean that I haven’t spent a lifetime in groups of women. And it doesn’t mean that I haven’t been blessed to live a life full of the support of women. In fact, who I am today is in no small measure thanks to women mentors that helped me in sports, work and political activism. And in turn, I mentored countless women and girls at work, at sports and in life.
I digress for a moment. I went to a large college and so I decided to join a sorority to make it smaller. My mother hated this idea. She didn’t want me to participate in anything that excluded anybody. But I somehow managed to find the “unsorority” sorority – a group of 100+ women who were a true sisterhood. To this day, I stay in touch with a group of my sorority sisters. We have navigated our way together through weddings-divorces-second weddings, miscarriages, career changes, job losses, deaths of family members, bouts with sickness and more. And I know 20 some odd years later that if I needed something, this group of sorority sisters would still have my back.
Well, my mother, G-d rest her soul, does now get her wish. A new sorority that admits all women. In fact, we’re so inclusive, we even admit like-minded men. It’s called The New Agenda. You see, I know what this is supposed to look like. I know what it is to support women and be supported by women and to know: She has my back.
But here’s the problem: I’m finding that many other women have not been the beneficiary of having women have their back in life. Many women grew up in our culture and only saw other women as adversaries or the competition. So many women don’t know or understand what this big tent could look like, and perhaps, well, they think it’s an impossible dream. But I swear to you it is not.
To get there we need this: we need to all take personal responsibility in this journey together. And here is the part that is not going to win me any popularity contests: it’s not the men’s fault; and it’s not the culture’s fault. Well, it might be in part; but sticking to this as our story gets us nowhere.
And you don’t need to believe me or agree with me, but I ask this: what are we accomplishing by blaming others for where we stand? How can we move forward if we stay stuck in the role of victim? We simply cannot. The best hope for women is to figure out a way to unify ourselves, and that requires the following: that we each take personal responsiblity for where we are, and ask what we can change in ourselves to help women work together and unite. Trust me on this. When we look into ourselves, we should ask why we allow ourselves to be so critical of other women? Why is it that when things aren’t just the way we want it, we seek to destroy? Why is it when things aren’t just the way we want it, we stay away or slam the door shut?
Let me share with you my inbox as President of The New Agenda. Each week, I get emails commenting on the following: TNA is too militant and harsh – I wouldn’t join: TNA is too soft – you’ve lost your edge – I’m leaving; TNA is too political; why isn’t TNA doing more in politics; TNA is a far right front; TNA is just another group of Democratic women: TNA can’t be a women’s organization if it doesn’t protect a women’s right to choose; TNA can’t be a women’s organization if it doesn’t speak out for women in other countries; and so on. Get the idea? Not too hot, not too cold.
You see, the problem with being a big tent is that you can’t give everyone 100% of what they are looking for. I wish we could. But by virtue of wanting to include all women, we need to find common ground on which we can work together.
Ladies – I ask you this: put down your weapons. Take a quiet moment some time in the next week. Think about where destruction gets us? Think about where playing the victim gets us? Then think this: I am going to empower myself and trust that the women of TNA will have my back. I’m going to step out on this limb with them. I’m going to risk it and try something new. I’m going to put aside some aspects of TNA that I find undersirable, and instead focus on the aspects that I care about. I’m going to take this chance that a sisterhood truly can move the women of this country forward. And that this sisterhood truly can make my world safer and more full of opportunity — and not just for me, but for my daughters and granddaughters. And if it doesn’t work for me, so be it. But heck, it just might!
I appreciate your effort to clarify some issues.
I guess I’m not one of those who has had this experience ” I know what it is to support women and be supported by women and to know: She has my back.”but this is what I am looking for-for myself and for society as a whole.
I hope you can expound more on how to do it- a little confused by
“that we each take personal responsiblity for where we are, and ask what we can change in ourselves to help women work together and unite.”
Beyond laying down the weapons, that is- which I never picked up- what can we change in ourselves to help women work together and unite?
Great questions and comments bluelady.
There are many elements we can all work on – we can consciously try to support other women in all walks of life….we can give women the benefit of the doubt….we can focus on what items impact all women and that we can collectively work on together….we can respect each other (even when we disagree). I don’t want to preach and for each of us, the answer is different; but I truly believe that when women finally work together and unify, then we will truly get to where we want to be.
bluelady – excellent question. we need to be much more specific. i’ll try a few and would love to hear from others.
1) curb the cattiness or judgments about appearances (this may go double for women that are attractive, thin, wearing revealing or striking clothing)
2) curb the impulse to roll your eyes at the jr women in the office who “just don’t get it.” they surely won’t see a need to “get it” from a shrill, judgmental elder
3) don’t shun other women’s groups or conjure up sinister motivations they must have if they don’t talk, look or act like you do
4) don’t give up on women and default to “women just can’t work together” That’s a big one for me. i see so many examples of it, but am now asking what my part in it can be and seek solutionary thinking.
Amy your article was right on. I think the same way. I say why do women look to kick other women down. A women knows womens issues better then men do. Many women have to learn to trust other women and stop letting men run our lives.
Amy,
Were there any members of your sorority who couldn’t be counted on to “have your back”? How did your sorority deal with them? Did you cover for them anyway? Kick them out or refuse to let them in at all? How successful would a sorority be if many members of the sorority attacked it from within? How many common areas of agreement are enough to form a cohesive group? What if it turns out that we really disagree on more issues than we agree upon?
just to slightly amend my prior list. women seem to make snap judgments against women who appear older, they term it dowdy. the assumption is that they can’t be capable of fresh thinking and creativity. i just don’t see them doing the same thing to older men.
Applause for giving women the benefit of the doubt. Hit pieces like that bullying article wouldn’t play if we’d refuse to be baited into blaming each other for a patriarchal system that works to keep women at each others throats. We can each become sensitive to divisive and manipulative “reporting,” turning a skeptical eye to sensational claims, and choosing to ignore them, rather than give them more attention than deserved. We can refuse to condemn our sisters when the gossip mongers swarm, remembering that an attack on any of us harms all of us. Our goal in all things should be understanding, not blame.
We can resolve to make changes in our individual sphere of influence to counter stereotypes of selfish, “cat fighting” women. Are you a woman manager? What have you done to mentor a woman in your charge? What guidance or encouragement could you give TODAY?
I’ll never forget my best boss, a woman named Lauren Martin. On the eve of my first presentation before a large audience of strangers at a professional conference, knowing that I was nervous, she took the time to write me a note praising my speaking skills, saying she knew I’d do a great job. A small gesture. I’ve kept that note in my wallet for fifteen years as a reminder to be as generous to others as she was to me.
*****A
samanthasmom,
Yes, there are always exceptions to the rule. We just leave the door open for them to come join us at a later time. It’s never nirvana – yes there were some who I spent less time with. But the majority were supportive and I swear to you when this in the environment, women relearn behaviors because caddiness, etc. is frowned on.
If we made the acceptable norm to support one another, then women would gravitate towards that over time I believe.
I just think most have never been in a position where they know what this all would look like – so they don’t believe that it can happen.
Adrienne – bravo to mentoring in the workplace as well. Women start out in most industries 50/50, but we don’t move up because we don’t have the system in place to support each other.
I like yourself was the beneficiary of wonderful mentors -and helped many women up the ladder myself. I had one bad experience – an early manager who tried to get me fired in my early 20s. My old boss had ranked me top of the class and when she left for London – a woman Deborah Malden took her place – Deborah thought I was still loyal to my old boss so did everything she could to get me fired…so I have seen the dark side too.
Well said. A diversity of female opinions is needed. All things can be discussed. Political correct censorship of discussion has held women back. We don’t need male approval and although I love men we don’t need them to tell us what we are or what we think or need.
Okay, I’m trying here, but what about women like Pelosi and Brazile, and the other women who stood by and helped crucify women candidates?
Don’t mean to be off-topic here, and I know what’s going on when the guys start in on Pelosi and botox, but this is not easy.
It’s a worthwhile post, and thank you.
AFAIC, I don’t have to LIKE a woman. I just have to vote for her in 100% of the cases, and if some hyperdefensive male who fears not being in charge of 99% of the planet whines at me over it, tough crap. If some little female nincompoop who thinks she’s being innovative and edgy accuses me of “reverse sexism” over it, too damn bad. Grow up, infant, and get out of my face. And by the way, I’ll vote for you if you run for office, so STFU.
I can’t stomach Brazil-zebub. I think she’s a pox on the face of the Earth. And I’ll join in on Botox Pelosi any chance I get. But if they run, I vote for them. I don’t have to be a woman’s, like, total BFF for life. We don’t have to tell one another our Fantasy Boyfriend Secrets, and we don’t have to want to do one another’s makeup and freaking colors and shoo for shoes together.
The way I think about it is, I don’t have to like the b*tch, I just have to vote for her. Which I will do in every single instance. Case closed. And anyone who has a problem with that can go pound sand.
[...] to start by finding a better way to treat one another. As I wrote earlier this month in my piece Not too Hot, Not too Cold, women are so darn hard on other women. Give it a rest sisters. None of us are perfect – either [...]
[...] heard me preaching about unity on our blog here and here. And I’m going to keep going and try to win over women and like minded men one by [...]
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