To The Men Who Support Us
March 25, 2009
by Contributor
I want to give a shout-out to the men who support The New Agenda. Now ladies, I can hear some of the grumbling now.
What? What’s gotten into you Cynthia–men?????? What have they done for us lately–or ever? Aren’t they the problem?
Yes, there are many, many men who ARE the problem. A majority of them, maybe even a huge majority of them, are standing in our way, holding us back, oppressing us, beating us, killing us, disrespecting us, etc. The nasty horrible list goes on and on and on. However, those men aren’t the ones I want to address today.
I’m talking today about the BEST of them–the courageous men who stand with us and support our cause, even if its nuances are hard for them to fathom. And I mean courageous. We all know how hard it is for us women to stand up to the “patriarchy” that many of our writers on this blog refer to. We’ve barely gotten it to budge over the course of history. But ladies, can you imagine being a MAN and standing up against the injustices of the patriarchy?
I am a lucky woman. I have a wonderful husband who has always stood behind my efforts on behalf of women’s rights. My children are male, now 26 and 19 years old. And they also see the righteousness of our cause. Having watched them grow up, I’ve seen how the patriarchy forms them at various stages. Oh, it’s not about whether they played with certain toys–both my sons had well equipped play kitchens, play guns, dolls, whatever. I can tell you that they played with them all–only a little differently than their female buddies did.
I am referring to the stage of their lives when the ultimate epithet was being called “girl” — as in, don’t act like one. It bores into their character. Now these boys of mine and their friends knew that at my house and in my presence, that kind of talk wasn’t allowed. I at least started providing them a framework about that kind of stuff. But it was a small influence against the message of “manhood” that society tells them they have to prove to the world. It is hard to imagine how any man growing up with those kinds of pervasive influences could ever be in sympathy with our quest at The New Agenda.
So who are our male supporters? Some of them came along with their spouses, significant others, mothers, or daughters out of love. Some of them came because they grew up with a family history that gave them a front row seat to the difficult realities that women face in this world. Some have a history that includes a mother who was physically abused, or a single mother who couldn’t find the kind of work to meet her capabilities and needs and who struggled to do her best to support her children. Some men who grew up in these situations end up being very negative about the women who were their mothers. Nevertheless, other men found solidarity and understanding with our cause.
Although we are fighting for women’s rights, we need the men who support us to come along with us. Freeing up women, as is often said, is also freeing up men. Both will be untethered from proscribed roles and thus will be free just to be themselves. Can you imagine what a pretty world that will be?
So, as we walk the path to get there, I and I’m sure many other members of The New Agenda want to say thanks to our male supporters–you are truly the good guys!
Great post, Cynthia. I’ve also been lucky to know some terrific guys. My own brother is a mensch. I read somewhere a theory that people’s deep-seated attitude towards the opposite sex is based as much on their interaction with siblings as with their parents. I’m lucky my brother was my best buddy growing up.
Thanks Cynthia.
We need to gather as many like minded men to join in our struggle. Men are fathers, husbands, brothers and sons and many feel as strongly as women about our issues.
Great post Cynthia. I absolutely agree about the need to have men join us.
I also wonder sometimes about what a male-organized feminist-complimentary group would look like. What if some guys somewhere decided to start a group that helped teach young men to adopt a pro-feminist mind set and actively think about their training in the patriarchy? Would it work? I don’t know that it’s ever been tried.
Anna Belle—what a great idea!! I think in the 70’s that idea was put forth and died quickly—–but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try again. Wish I were at least two people (and I don’t mean like The United States of Tara!!) ——-so much work to do!!
Anna Belle, Yes! I really do think that is key to breaking loose the patriarchy. As good as it is for women to teach their sons and their sons’ male friends, they’ve got to hear the same message from their fathers, grandfathers, uncles, etc.
Guys? Are you ready to step up?
Haha! I love that show, even though it’s problematic, politically incorrect, whatever. It’s fun and charming and has the occasional enlightening moment.
There IS so much work to do! That’s why we need the guys. We can’t single-genderedly change the world! It’s not even our job to. Share the load is what my husband and I say when we find we need to work together.
one thing we could do immediately. ask our male and female congress members to co-sponsor the bill to give Alice Paul the congressional gold medal, to honor womens’ month.
here is the info from Murphy, pumapac.org
“I am writing to urge you to co-sponsor HR 406, introduced by Rep. Joe Baca of California’s 43rd District.
This bill would award a Congressional Gold Medal to Alice Paul, founder of the National Women’s Party and a person instrumental to getting the 19th amendment guaranteeing American women the right to vote passed in 1920.
You can see the entire text of the bill here:
http://www.opencongress.org/bill/111-h406/text
We believe that March, being National Women’s History month, is a PERFECT time to highlight the struggle and achievements of such an exemplary American woman.
For more information about lending your support to this important bill, please contact Jenny Sarabia in Congressman Baca’s office. (202)225-6161 /jenny.sarabia@mail.house.gov | 2245 Rayburn.”
“But ladies, can you imagine being a MAN and standing up against the injustices of the patriarchy?”
Uh, yeah, I can. It would mean I’d be in a hell of a lot less physical danger for standing up for justice.
“It is hard to imagine how any man growing up with those kinds of pervasive influences could ever be in sympathy with our quest at The New Agenda.”
No, it’s really not, and it sells their humanity short to say that it is.
To all our supporters in this fight: Good on ya. I won’t insult you by pretending you’ve got it harder than we do when you’ve got it easier, but I’m happy to see you in the trenches with us.
Some guy trying:
http://newblackman.blogspot.co.....-anti.html
I’m proud to count my husband as a supporter and he’s a registered TNA member. I thank his family for producing such an unique, enlightened man comfortable enough with his masculinity to be a super feminist, and proud of it. I married well!
Cynthia, you brought up a good point. One thing all mothers can do is make the extra effort to raise feminists to combat the misogyny in our society that is sure to make it presence known to children from a very young age.
Great article, and thank you
Awesome, Sis. Thanks for the link!
Frankly, in my early career, the men in my life were more supportive than any women (e.g. females colleagues were not supportive, but close friends always supportive).
My husband is a member of TNA.
Ditto all the praises, Cynthia. You summed up what I was trying to say on another post (and was criticized harshly). Men have a lot of brainwashing to overcome. My husband was raised with a strict set of standards of “how to treat women” which, in his time frame growing up meant care giving, loving, non-abusive, financial support, respectful etc. etc.. He is far from understanding feminism, but he truly makes an effort. Many times he is surprised when I point out or explain to him things that are sexist. We have had a lot of laughs when, at times, he will say something then get this guilty look on his face and say, “Oh, no … did I do it again?” I’m not sure he’ll ever be TNA material but I am making it happen with my 14 year old grandson.
Nice post, Cynthia Ruccia.
Good link Sis, thank you! That was encouraging to read.
I’m with Helen, she makes some really good points. Men are great and men who speak out against misogyny and sexism are simply fabulous, I just don’t want to see us give them an extra 20 points for doing it. The patriarchy is their problem too, it negatively impacts everyone. We all suffer when the talents of half the human race are oppressed.
It’s a bit like the praise my husband gets when he loads the dishwasher. LOL, it’s fabulous really, but for crying out loud I’ve done it three times a day for 20 yrs with no recognition what so ever! I am not going to bring out the bells, whistles and stickers every time he participates in housework.
My brothers are very happily married because of how my dad interacted with my mom and because they have a strong, feminist sister.
Great article Cynthia! I’m so proud of all the men who support The New Agenda! I think men have a very valuable contribution to make to our group and to women’s rights as a whole. Thanks guys!
To those of you who think I have over-praised the men who support us let me say this———the more the good ones are praised the more motivated they will be to spread the word. We’re all in this together like Amy Siskind says. And different people will respond to different messengers……
Thanks Cynthia! This is a refreshing change from the Third Wave blogs I’ve mostly weaned myself from, where male supporters are asked sarcastically if they “want a cookie,” but feminists who don’t focus on a wide range of other issues (read: men’s issues) are accused of being racist, classist or imperialist. Which, to me, is exactly backwards.
http://www.feministing.com/archives/014409.html
Sorry,
Forgot to include the two links together
If the plaintiffs prevail, companies will have every incentive to establish race and gender quotas for hiring, lest they be sued for statistical imbalances.
http://online.wsj.com/article/.....32013.html
Wow, just wrote a lengthy comment and your error .message ate the message.
Basically, the forces of television, movies, radio etc are extremely powerful and drum misogynistic messages into men’s (and women’s ) heads incessantly. People learn social interaction and attitudes from cultural sources.
Change the endless misogynistic tv shows, movies etc. with your pocketbook. Money drives everything. Women cannot, and should not, depend upon the good will of educated men to change things. It won’t happen.
Women are a massive economic demographic. Not only are women the majority, but women make most household economic purchases. If media companies drive away women, they’re outta luck.
Stop supporting misogynistic tv shows, movies, etc. Male executives make the decisions. Even if they have their own sexist beliefs, they will stop if it affects their bottom line. They make garbage because they think women will go along. Conversely, they don’t make female driven content because they think men won’t watch. Men who are terrified their buddies will call them a girl are actually unmanly cowards, but that’s a separate topic.
Show them that women won’t watch either. Vote with your pocketbook, vote with your eyeballs. Make your power felt.
I wish I could say that I have male support in my life. I don’t and never really have. I would be very interested in reading the article that Violet referred to in the first comment.
You’re welcome on the link. What an amazing find eh? This is the latest post at that blog, and very a propos the recent conversations here about men, of any colour, and abuse toward women.
http://newblackman.blogspot.co.....hanna.html
“Stop supporting misogynistic tv shows, movies, etc. Male executives make the decisions. Even if they have their own sexist beliefs, they will stop if it affects their bottom line. They make garbage because they think women will go along. Conversely, they don’t make female driven content because they think men won’t watch.”
“Show them that women won’t watch either. Vote with your pocketbook, vote with your eyeballs. Make your power felt.”
I agree with the whole comment, really. The media getting all this stuff into our heads 24/7 is THE big hurdle, IMO. Forget inter-feminist-generation/blog-bickering. Not enough people are paying attention to that to make “winning” any arguments worthwhile. Feminists of all stripes should be talking about the fact that HBO is playing nightly softcore porn (now that the economy is tanking) alongside a “documentary” show glorifying prostitution alongside Bill Maher alongside Big Love (the show where the Mormon man has 3 or is it 4 now? wives) alongside the usual misogynist crap movies and is somehow considered the progressive cable network. We should be talking about all the places on the internet/TV where women are bullied out of having a voice, and on and on and on and on and on.
I hope men dig in and help out. I would also hope that feeling good about helping out was all they needed to do it.
Change the media, change the world,
Exactly why there is no TV in our house….
children learn from media and the images (or lack of) female images as main characters is indicative of our society.
As far as female characters in media go I educated myself on the topic and make a mental note when seeing previews and ads for movies: “Where are the women.”
Surprisingly, when I bring this up to men they respond very well. Particularly the fathers of daughters.
And, I thank them.
I definitely welcome feminist men into feminism. It makes me happy to see men fighting for women’s rights and representation.
Kevin,
I fail to see how your comments here are relevant to Ms Ruccia’s article. It is a deviation from the topic and concerns a class action suit, which, if won, would establish race and gender quotas. How is this relevant?
Write a blog article on your concerns and submit it. And please read Amy Siskind’s article on what this blog is about. The article is “United we succeed-fragmented we fail.” Frankly, I find this deviation from the subject matter tiresome.
I’m sorry, Jere, it was at least 10 or 15 years ago, so I don’t remember where I saw it.
SomeHopeyChangey,
Sorry for the lack of clarity of why I posted the links. Simply, as a husband who has always supported my wife’s advancements in corporate America and suffered with her as she experienced work discrimination, I thought the recent actions by the EEOC are very positive for working women.
What my wife and my female friends experience most is discrimination on the job – getting jobs, advancing within jobs and being paid fairly. They feel if they become business CEOs/CFOs/Corporate Controller they can change the landscape of how the media presents women. I support this belief so I tend to be one dimensional on this issue, particularly when a possibly historic sex discrimination case comes along.
Nonetheless, I agree, my post is a better stand-alone issue.
Kevin please stop speaking for your wife and your female friends. Apart from the fact that it is sexist and patronizing, I highly doubt you know what they think, experience or feel, likely having it flipped to what you think they think, experience and feel.
I am a feminist capitalist man. I too believe, as stated in the post, that the majority of men are against us. I have given up on trying to educate them. Either they get it or they don’t. If they don’t, then they are the enemy, and we must defeat them.
There are more of us (women + feminist men) than there are of them.
Women first; politics second.
It’s been a while since I have commented or even read the blogs. I found myself getting consumed with women’s causes and falling short on my daily life. The most exhausting thing I have found in getting women going in my area is apathy among women. Most voted for Obama and none of those felt that Hillary was treated poorly (perhaps because they think they “won”). Most women don’t see that we have any disadvantages. Perhaps because most obvious inequities take place in Corporate America and a lot of women are far removed from corporate society.
I find it interesting that the last time I was following an article on TNA it involved a few women bashing Kevin, some for even thinking he has a right to comment on this forum.
Sis, my husband is very in touch with my dealings and completely understands and empathizes with my plight in corporate America. Trust me he gets it. We were BOTH bankers, he saw how good I was and when we received raises his was double mine. When I was pregnant with our first child and worked till midnights to prove I could still cut it, it was he that was at home waiting hating that I had to work that much harder than my male counterparts. When I finally got tired of the numerous inadequacies and quit (my last boss said “let’s talk about your career after you have the baby”), it was our household income that was cut by 40%.
Not only do I welcome men with open arms on this forum, I feel that we badly NEED those that get it for this fight. Because while women are 52% of the population, there are a WHOLE lot of “us” that don’t think there is anything wrong with the way things are. Remember, the majority of our population (women) chose a less experienced man over a female candidate in the primaries.
While women are getting shut out in corporate America, it makes it that much harder for men to make the decision to become stay at home dads. All things being equal it wouldn’t make sense for the partner who makes most money to stay at home. Wouldn’t it be nice for two parents to decide who goes to work and who stays at home instead of society?
Men DO have something to gain by furthering our causes and women can certainly use the support!
Leave your response!