My life as a mole
January 17, 2009
by Violet Socks, Editor
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I’ve been outed. A couple of days ago Naomi Wolf was on CNN, talking about The New Agenda. It seems she’d had a look around the website and saw some posts criticizing Obama. I’ll say one thing for Naomi; she’s a smart one.
“I’m interested in knowing who funds [the] blog,” she said. “We know that the right-wing is very very skillful at funding voices of dissent that look like something else.”
Busted.
As the person who created The New Agenda website, it’s time for me to confess. I can’t live this lie anymore. I’m like Laurence Harvey at the end of The Manchurian Candidate, sweat pouring off me as I struggle to free myself from what I know is evil.
I am a mole for the Scaife Foundation.
My whole life for the past 37 years has been a hellish preparation for the moment when the puppet-masters at Scaife would unleash me on the world, fulfilling my destiny to build this website. They took me from my parents when I was 8 years old, buying them off with a leather-bound four-volume set of Eisenhower Was a Commie: The Collected Wisdom of the John Birch Society. I was moved to an indoctrination camp in West Virginia, a white-roomed sterile-looking compound like the one in The Boys From Brazil, where I and the other children were housed in dormitories and made to memorize all of Barry Goldwater’s speeches. When I hit puberty my eggs were extracted and stored in an abandoned salt mine in Utah where they incubate the blond anchor clones for Fox News.
My adult years were spent creating an elaborate false identity as a left-wing feminist writer. No detail was overlooked: I voted Democrat in every election, I belonged to NOW, I subscribed to Ms., I sent money to Planned Parenthood. My pieces for Womyn’s Weekly and the Organic Lettuce Quarterly were models of progressive philosophy. I lived the part totally: granola, apartment in Dupont Circle, coffee at the gay bookstore. I even wore Birkenstocks, for chrissake.
Finally, the moment came for me to fulfill my destiny. It was late August of last year when the message arrived, embedded in an email that, at first, looked like one of those Nigerian things. “Dearest One,” it began, “I desire to inform you of my desire of going into long time relationship and financial transaction for our mutual benefits hence I write with due respect…” It was signed “Mr. Ademola Nbeki.” But at the bottom, set off in bold Comic Sans font, was a P.S.: “We need you to build a website.” The next day I received a cardboard box in the mail containing 100 unmarked packages of ramen noodles.
My mission, as it turned out, was to build this website for The New Agenda. I did my best to make it look feminist, make it look like some kind of women’s rights thing. I mean, I’ve spent enough time in Birkenstocks to know the drill: fair pay, Title IX, yadeyadeyade. What I didn’t understand was the point of the whole exercise. What were the people at Scaife trying to do? How did The New Agenda fit into their plans?
The penny dropped when I got another email from Nbeki a couple of months after the launch of the site. “We want you to criticize Barack Obama,” he wrote.
What? I was appalled. That would never work! A feminist organization criticizing Barack Obama? Nobody would fall for that. Our cover would be totally blown. I mean, the man is perfect. He’s a feminist dream come true, he’s Christmas and New Year’s and Hanukkah all rolled into one, just like Naomi Wolf said on CNN. For decades feminists have yearned for a man to come along and just fix things, and Obama is that man. Everything about him — the smile, the “cutie” and “sweetie” stuff, the way he pats his wife’s ass in public — it all spells Feminist Superman.
I told Nbeki this, but he was insistent. “Find something. What about Larry Summers? Criticize Obama for that.”
“It won’t work,” I wrote back. “Kim Gandy says Larry Summers has done some good stuff. So what if he thinks women aren’t as smart as men? All the real feminists know it’s stupid to get bogged down with trivialities.”
The reply from Nbeki was brief: “My life before my liberty.” Attached to the email was a jpg of a Red Queen.
I broke into a sweat. Numbly, robotically, I opened WordPress and began typing. I knew it was a mistake; I knew we’d get caught. But I was powerless to resist. The switch had been flipped, the code activated. This was my destiny.
The next weeks were a nightmare of emails from Nbeki, arguments, and Red Queen jpgs whenever I got too difficult.
When the Favreau business happened, Nbeki was all over it. “Write a post on how casual sexism is part of the fabric of society,” he suggested. I tried to reason with him. None of the real feminists were complaining. So what if Obama’s chief speechwriter thinks sexual assault is a joke? Boys will be boys. If there’s anything the real feminists have learned, it’s that it doesn’t pay to get too worked up over that hormonal stuff. Especially now, when we’ve just elected a feminist President!
The Rick Warren thing was another battle. “NOT A FEMINIST ISSUE” I wrote back to Nbeki in furious all-caps. So what if Rick Warren preaches that women were put on earth to obey their husbands? So what if his church says that even domestic violence is no excuse for divorce? It’s a private religious matter. All the real feminists understand that. Barack Obama is going to be the most wonderfully, perfectly feminist President ever, and his Inauguration will be a joyful celebration of inclusiveness for all Americans. Even men who beat their wives. “If we keep up like this, our cover will be BLOWN BLOWN BLOWN,” I emailed Nbeki.
And the Cabinet Watch page — that was all Nbeki’s doing. The Scaife people sent me another 50 packages of ramen noodles as encouragement, but I knew we were playing with fire. None of the real feminists were worrying about how many women Obama would appoint. With a President as deeply feminist as Obama, it’s a given that he’ll choose the best person for each job. If all the best people just happen to be men, so what? Maybe Larry Summers was right.
Long story short, I knew this whole ride was doomed. It was only a matter of time before somebody like Naomi Wolf started poking around the website and realized what was up. All those posts questioning and criticizing Obama! No real feminist would write that stuff.
So I’ve decided to come clean and confess. It’s all true — the front operation, the Scaife Foundation, the ramen noodles, all of it. I’m a right-wing mole.
I can’t defend what I’ve done, though to be honest, I had no choice. My fate was sealed long ago. All I can do is apologize to the women of The New Agenda, who of course had no idea of my real identity. Amy, Sheryl, Nina, Cynthia, Thia, Gretchen, Nancy, all of you: please forgive me. You’re wonderful people, and I’m sorry I deceived you.
Nbeki and I are leaving for Nigeria tomorrow — his aunt has several million dollars she needs help transferring out of the country — so this is goodbye. I wish you all the best of luck.
And remember, if you want to be real feminists, don’t criticize Obama.
hey, don’t knock Naomi Wolf. she’s a legendary intellectual who advised Al Gore to wear earthtones in 2000 and he became president.
oh wait, no he didn’t.
in the words of the immortal Emily Litella…never mind.
okay, so Al Gore didn’t become president, but the advice on earthtones catapulted him to an Academy Award and the Nobel Prize, so he never once regretted the FIFTEEN GRAND A MONTH he paid Naomi Wolf for fashion advice, and now she’s on CNN raising a question about whether the right wing might be funding the New Agenda blog.
so who’s the journalistic genius over at CNN who neglected to ask Naomi who funded the 15K/month she was getting from the Gore campaign, whether that money might have been better spent on one more constitutional lawyer who might have successfully argued Al Gore’s case before the Supreme Court, and which situation seems more likely to have been funded by a right-wing conspiracy?
Of course, given the standards of the MSM, they will probably select just one line from your article and headline this: “I am a mole for the Scaife Foundation.” What? You expected them to read to the end? You expected them to recognise irony? You expected them not to sniff out anything that could further sanctify their light-bringer? As the whole of society goes mad with adoration of the celebrity-president (and the children of Gaza burn), I thank goodness for any sane voice I can find. There aren’t many of them.
KayJL,
That’s brilliant!
Donna Brazile gave Gore some even worse advice about not fighting for recounts. She’s been seen paling around with Rove….
That’s some awesome writing. At first, I was like “What? I need more coffee.” I don’t understand why Democrats are so paranoid.
So I guess that the democrats who criticized Obama’s bail out plan are also right-wing moles…The fact is, even if this is a right wing sponsored website, I agree with what is said and the mission. I’d say good for the right-wing for caring about women
I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard.
I don’t care what wing this group comes from; I know it isn’t the chicken-wing division of HuffPo, and that is all that counts. Keep up the good work. Apparently you are doing something right.
Hilarious Violet. The adulation of Obama as a feminist is an embarassment. Your satire is spot on.
thanks Violet. Humor is needed after this bitter year.
the left does not like that women recognize their splitting tactics. there could not be a greater threat than a nonpartisan feminist organization.
this woudl be th eend of taking the women’s vote for granted.
the idea that the right wind funds feminism is humoring.
because McCain chose Palin a move towards feminism by the GOP? I wish it were true.
marille
Best I can tell Wolf hasn’t done anything well in the last two decades!
I mean, c’mon – helping Gore lose after President Clinton was incredibly popular and our economy was booming.
Naomi Wolf is a has been.
I’m relieved. I always suspected you were a mole, and it’s been confirmed. So all those blond anchors are really clones of you?
What’s with the few brunettes?
I hope those ramen noodles don’t contain msg.
Oh. my . god. I love Violet. F’in brilliant.
Bahahaha! Great piece, Violet! I’m having a good cackle.
It’s nice to know somebody else spent the first few decades of their life disguised as a left wing feminist in some sort of secret diabolical plot.
Beautiful Violet!!!! Naomi Wolf is a moron who obviously leads with her gonads. I think she was having an orgasm during her interview.
CNN will keep her around as the resident house n*gger to tell the rest of us field hands how good the master is to us and that we shouldn’t criticize or complain.
All I can think of is how much opposition Alice Paul encountered from the faux feminists of her day. She stood her ground and fought for what was right just as we are doing here today.
Another piece of history that is relevant is how Fredrick Douglas turned of Susan B. Anthony to advance the Black man’s suffrage at the expense of women. Boy, doesn’t history repeat itself!!!! Obama’s whole primary campaign was a repeat of the same political dynamics. And just like then, the white boys in charge picked their black brother over the sister.
Finally, an organization I can relate to! My people (Democrats) can’t see why I don’t adore Obama the way the masses do. As if his treatment of Alice Palmer (his mentor) wasn’t enough to turn a woman’s stomach. Now he is publishing a letter to his daughters saying he did all this for them.
Violet,
Your heartbreaking revelations have inspired me to come clean too. I’m actually a right-wing ferret in disguise. THIA actually stands for Toady Help Infiltrate Agenda.
My real name is Rush F. Limbaugh, wow that’s a load off my conscience!
Well, at least Wolf is consistent. Looks like she did as much research on TNA as she did for her recent book:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v.....re=related
Violet- it must be hard for you to come out into the open. We appreciate your honesty. Sigh….
You can write like that on flour paste?
Pass the Ramen Noodles.
I’m a right-wing peacock! Hahaha. Fantastic, Violet. I love satire, irony, and sarcasm.
Violet – No words. So freaking hysterical!
Thia – I KNEW it!
Violet,
Nbeki had to travel to Indonesia and I am your temporary contact. We need a post explaining that since Hillary Clinton’s popularity is up to 65% and she is the 13th most powerful woman in the world her appointment to State – the cabinet post that is at least 5 times more important than any other – multiplied by her popularity and power make this appointment worth 10 women in the cabinet.
Please see this link for some ideas:
http://www.madore.org/~david/i.....amonds.png
Hertha Mbasa
Who’s afraid of Naomi Wolf?
Bravo! Bravo! Thanks Violet! What a stupendously entertaining read!
Still4Hill…funny. I especially love the link!
fsteele…maybe Donna put in a good word for Naomi at CNN, seeing as how the two worked together so successfully on the Gore campaign
and just to debunk the notion that people here are anti-Obama, the mention of Donna and Naomi puts me in mind of two nice things I’d like to say about him:
1. He can dress himself.
2. He didn’t ask Donna to be in his administration (probably heard
her on CNN saying the Democratic Party had signed up so
many college students that maybe it didn’t need the working
class anymore). Does anybody else remember her saying
this? Paul Begala looked like he was going to have a stroke.
Anna from AK -very clever!
KayJL- The quote you are talking about was.
“But, Paul, you’re looking at the old coalition. A new Democratic coalition is younger. It is more urban, as well as suburban, and we don’t have to just rely on white blue-collar voters and Hispanics.”
http://transcripts.cnn.com/TRA.....se.02.html
I always knew there was something funny about you, Violet Socks.
With your cover blown, they’re after me now. This morning I got the following email:
You are a proud winner of £ 710, 000 .00
Please acknowledge the receipt of this mail with the details below to Mr Murphy
Bruce,
bnldisbursementdesk@hotmail.com
Name
Address
Age
Occupation
Tel
I believe that the last part is an acronym meaning, New Agenda Activate Operative Two.
I realize that I have no choice: I, too, will have to criticize Obama.
I await delivery of the Ramen Noodles.
I imagine they’re torturing Ms. Vi. Slurping hot Ramen Noodles in front of her as she wastes away, it being, what, 26 hours since her last bowl? She rolled over Sheryl. She ratted on you.
In some ways, we are all accomplices. I supported her blog. Oh Tommy. Tommy Douglas. Forgive me.
Violet,
I just got contacted too!
E-MAIL ID Has won you the sum of £500,000 pounds in our MONTHLY compaq PROMO BONANZA.get back to this office with your details.
Names:
Address:
Country:
Email:agtuk_ltd005@ymail.com
Regards
Mrs Sarah Wood.
BEWARE:
Latest FDA recall: Ramen Noodles
Don’t be fooled. This could be a double cross!
Wolf is quite a gal figuring this all out. And in a matter of hours. Wow, and to think we all thought she was a washed up author. Gosh golly were WE wrong!
Sheryl and Amy:
Do NOT, under any circumstances, click on the link from Still4Hill. JUST DON’T DO IT. Save yourselves.
what is still4hill?
The commenter. Scroll up — Still4Hill’s comment is about 6 comments above Sheryl’s.
Anna from AK on January 18th, 2009 3:14 am
Who’s afraid of Naomi Wolf?
——–
LOL! Starring Elizabeth Taylor. Now we wait for Hope and Change to go poof.
So glad to see New Agenda getting national coverage and rankling people.
It’s always a profound moment when a sleeper from the sub rosa section of Scaife comes to life and fruition. Praise the Lord! Bless you Sister – better dead than Red!
[...] founders of The New Agenda are pro-choice, a little known fact that might surprise those who think we’re a front organization for Scaife. The point of The New Agenda isn’t to capitulate on choice or rewrite feminism to remove [...]
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