Misogyny and Oppression at the DMV
January 3, 2009
by Contributor
|Okay, so maybe it was just annoyance at the DMV, but it reminds me of how sexism is pervasive in every aspect of our lives…
Sexism can be subtle, or it can be conspicuous and brutal, but it is deeply ingrained in our society. Women go about their daily lives navigating through a world designed by and for men, who take for granted that the system is designed for them. Sometimes the reminders slap you in the face, like the treatment of women in the 2008 election cycle. But sometimes the reminders just hide in tall grass in a little pile, stick to your brand new shoes, and ruin your Tuesday. I will leave it to you to decide into which category this experience falls.
I am one of those annoyingly independent women who chose not to take my husband’s last name when I got married. Most of my friends and family simply rolled their eyes and said, “There goes Thia being weird and difficult again.” There are many reasons I give for making this decision, usually tailored to change the subject with the person who has asked the question, “Why?” They are all partly true. I was 30 when I got married and had already established a career; I don’t like the patriarchal assumption that I now need to be stamped with “property of …”; my husband’s name sort of rhymes with my first name and sounds odd; and my favorite: I don’t want to change the monogram on all my towels. I really don’t have any single reason except that the idea just rubs me the wrong way.
A few months ago I moved from Texas to Georgia and for as long as possible, I procrastinated the dreaded trip to the Department of Motor Vehicles to get a new driver’s license. As the deadline approached for voter registration, I had to force myself to make the trip downtown so I could get my stunningly bad new picture ID and complete my registration. I did my research on the DMV’s website to see what I would need to take with me and was pleased to find out that all I had to have was a valid Texas driver’s license, a clean record, and voilà!
After standing in line at the DMV for about two hours, I darted up to an open window and picked up a sticky clipboard, a chewed-on pen, and a stack of forms to fill out. Then, after waiting another 45 minutes, my number was called and I merrily approached a new set of windows with my neatly filled forms and Texas license in hand. To protect his identity, I’ll call the window attendant Slack-Jawed Vern, or maybe just Vern for short. Vern proceeded to look over my Texas license and neatly filled-out forms for about 8 years while slowly typing the information into his circa 1992 computer terminal. Then we hit a snag in our newfound friendship.
Vern: You forgot to fill out yer maiden name section on the form.
Thia: Actually Lawson is my maiden name. It’s the same as my old license.
Vern: But you checked the box fer married and if you do that I have to have yer maiden name. Did ya check the wrong box?
Thia: No sir, I am married but I didn’t change my name. Lawson is my maiden name.
Vern: Then you gotta go down thar to the Social Security office first and bring me the form from them with yer married name or I can’t use yer married name on yer license.
Thia: But I don’t want to change my name. I want a new license issued for the state of Georgia with exactly the same name that is on my valid Texas license.
Vern: Then I have to have yer maiden name in that box there cause we check with yer old state fer criminal records and other stuff.
Thia: Sir, Lawson is my maiden name. I only have one name; can I just check the single box?
Vern: Naw, yer gonna have to bring me copies of yer birth and marriage certificates.
Thia: But it says online and on the sign right there that I only need a valid state license? I don’t have anything else with me.
Vern: Well you’ll have to come back cause you gotta prove what yer name is.
Now at this point I gave up trying to explain the situation to troglodytic Slack-Jawed Vern and politely asked to speak to a supervisor. After another hour of calmly playing Sudoku on my cell phone, whatever deity rules over the DMV took mercy on me and sent me Marge (think Flo from Mel’s Diner) who knew exactly how to handle the situation. Since Marge had been married seven times and had tired of changing her name between husbands three and four, she knew that you could simply write “same” in the maiden name blank and the DMV deity would be appeased.
I don’t tell this story as a call to march on the local DMV. I don’t even want you to flip them off as you drive by, although if you do so regularly on your own behalf, don’t let me stop you. Similar conversations and confusions have occurred many times with banks, credit card companies, and once even while trying to pay a Terminix bill. People often give me that look like I am a confused trout trying to swim upstream. They are genuinely perplexed as to why I refuse to just swim in the same direction with the rest of the fish. So, as you navigate the narrow shoals of your daily life, pay attention to the little inconveniences, the annoyances, and the recurring tribulations experienced daily by women navigating a world designed by and for the males of the species. Maybe together, someday we can make it easier for the she-trout who swim behind us.
I contend that women will never achieve equality until we stop changing our names (identities) when we marry. When we agree to that, it’s a sure sign of subservience to men.
Great story. There a million little details like this. For instance, why is that men are largely responsible for building the kitchens we slave away in, yet everything in that kitchen is at a woman’s height. Watch your husband/brother/live in next time they do the dishes (I know, it’ll be a wait) and watch how they have to arch their backs to reach down. Look at the silly posture they have to achieve in order to do a simple daily task. Then stand in front of that sink yourself and see how it was designed to be a prison for you by men who are too good to do that kind of work. Unless your a really tall woman, it fits you like a glove, no?
Now go look at your vacuum cleaner. Pull out the tape measure. See where I’m going with this? Yes, Thia, you are dead-on. The very structure of the world we humans create victimizes us. Thanks for sharing your story.
Anna Belle,
I never thought about the kitchen and vacuum etc. I despise vacuuming so my husband always does it and you’re right, he looks like a question mark by the time he is done. I’ll have to look and see if I can find one with an adjustable handle or something. We just built this house last year and we got taller counters and cabinets in the kitchen but we had to pay extra. At least they make them “gender neutral sized” so maybe that’s a sign of a new trend.
Thia –a great and illustrative, albeit frustrating, story! It took a woman, who supervised the man, to straighten it out
Many years ago I was at a reception with my husband. We were young, and most of the attendees were older professional men and their wives. When introduced to one small group, one of the men was confused that my last name was different than my husband’s. I commented that BOTH of us, my husband and I, kept our maiden names. He looked surprised, but thought about it and didn’t question further.
What a great writer you are! I was convinced I needed to change my surname back to my maiden name to avenge all women everywhere and then I read Anna Belle’s post and realized how lucky I am. As my husband presently does most of the cooking, washes the dishes and does all the vacuuming I am holding on to his name for the time being.
Should he start to slacken off, I am off to the Social Security office to claim my own name.
I have to say I use a number of name combinations that were all legal names given to me at various appropriate naming times and sooner or later it is going to get me in trouble. When I die they are going to think three different women died.
I thought we didn’t have to struggle with this name issue any more. It’s 2009, and of course we do.
When I got married there were so many places forcing you to put down the man’s name that it was a constant struggle. And his name is harder to spell to add to the insult. But that was long ago, and I’m hearing the same thing go on still.
Try to look at it this way: That maiden name of yours is just another man’s name anyway.
SFK-
Good point, but that man helped create me so I cut him some slack.
Thia
First, I just have to say what a terrific writer you are!!! I hope you like writing and will find an outlet to do more of it in your lifetime. You truly have a gift.
I also kept my last name (hate the word “maiden”) when I got married. Two reasons: 1) I saw no reason to become absorbed into my husband’s identity in any way, and, 2) I’d been that name all my life and it was part of my identity. And, yes, it does make life more of a hassle.
Weighing in on your story, I vote for it being without question just one in countless examples of how the world is indeed set up by and for men, as you say. Your points, large and small, are all well taken and so beautifully illustrated.
I look forward to reading the next thread you write on this site.
Thia, BTW, I doubt you’re “annoyingly” independent. Men are praised (for better or for worse) for their independence. Why deminish this quality in yourself?
Thia – I concur with Anna that you have a true gift for writing- even thought the story was about the dreaded “BMV”, which is like a special hell on earth in my book, your narrative made it engaging and like a delightful short story.
Too bad the moral is that men rule….even men like Vern….
and the piece de resistance, ofcourse, is getting “stunningly” bad picture of yourself as a “take-away”….this aggravation none of us need!
Thanks for the story…..says so much!
Btw, we are in the process of redoing our kitchen (again, our own private hell experience on earth) and everything is being designed at my height (short) because I wanted to be the comfortable one in there…it had nothing to do with my husband turning into a question mark. It’s easier for him to slump, than for me to reach!
I’m just relieved that he finally undertands that I don’t want a vacuum cleaner or any appliance for my birthday or anniverary. Those aren’t presents,those are utilitarian items that we all need, but dont’ really want. I actually cried when I got the Oreck top of the line vacuum for my birthday….even tho’ it came with an iron because it was “top of the line” Oreck. So two appliances for the disappointment of one!
Entertaining post Thia!
I’ve had to deal with some bureaucratic hassles as well. Not only did I keep my name when I got married, my first daughter has my last name. Our second daughter has my husband’s last name. My husband and I wanted to name our daughters my last name and our sons his last name. However, we knew we would be very unlikely to have more than two kids. So we agreed that if the first was a girl, it would have my last name and the second would have his last name. That would allow both names to carry on. We lucked out and have two daughters! With two different last names! This causes major emotional trauma for a lot of people. First, my husband caught a lot of flack about “letting” me do this. Luckily, my husband doesn’t have masculinity issues and wasn’t bothered by it. Second, many tried to argue that our children would be scarred for life if they had different last names. We argued that growing up in a loving family is the most important for security, not what their last name is. Not only do they have the benefit of a loving family, but they also will learn from a young age that it is okay to be different and the value of standing up for what you believe in.
p.s. Constance – same here. ….I will need three different urns or gravestones as well. I’ve gone by so many different names since I’ve been married that I don’t even know who I am anymore….I just hope my social security can find the real me- if there’s any left.
I didn’t take my ex-husband’s last name when we married because I wasn’t about to surrender my identity, and his last name, though belonging to a venerable New England family, was nevertheless the phonetic equivalent of a derogatory term meaning a woman of loose morals.
Jay Mohr takes his wife’s last name: http://www.eonline.com/uberblo.....it_it.html
I took my husband’s last name for this very reason that you write about- I just didn’t want to deal with the constant struggle.
Plus, as I always say to my feminist friends who ask me- my maiden name was a man’s name too.
Sometimes I want my old name back- but it is just too hard to deal with as you have shown. Also- when you have young kids, then people think that they are children of a divorce if the name is different. It is all just so stupid.
I probably should have added that I’m not advocating any position either way. I have a male friend who wanted to change his name to his wife’s last name because he didn’t really have any family and was so much a part of hers. The hoops he had to jump through were ridiculous. I just think the pressure to change the name when you get married is nuts. Strangers feel they have the right to demand an explanation from me and then tsk tsk at me when it isn’t a “good enough” reason. Whatever works for you right?
I am going to steal ER’s idea of saying “we both decided to keep our maiden names.” LOVE that!
I like calling it a “birth name,” like Gloria Steinem suggested. Everyone, not just maidens, has a birth name.
And not only is my last name my father’s, my first name is the feminine form of a man’s name that was given to Roman women in the family of a man with that name. At this point, neither fact makes them any less mine.
Excellent post, Thia. The term “maiden name” makes me shudder on so many levels — it has so many Victorian and pre-Victorian connotations.
Anna Belle – the other assumption that kitchens, appliances and kitchen furnishings are built on is that all women are short. As a taller type myself, adjusting to this over the years has been a real strain on my back, legs and general posture.
Loralai — you might check out some of the new designs of refrigerators, counters, dishwashers that come with adjustable heights. Although, no doubt they’re pricey.
Does anyone remember how “revolutionary” it was a few years ago when car manufacturers started figuring out that men and women are built differently? LOL
I live in CA – so many women keep their maiden names and we don’t have any issues with paperwork, etc. Sounds like there are two issues going on – first a poorly trained employee at the DMV, and Southern states are still decades behind independant women’s choices. Just so all of you don’t think the US has completely gone back to the dark ages – I have neighbors who own a small business. The husband put the business in his wife’s name (who kept her maiden name), because she put most of the money down, and he is older and felt for estate planning – just keep him out of it. He is considered only an employee. And, yes, it is a very successfull business – he does most of the work because they have 3 kids at home and one with special needs. They are lovely people.
Kathy
Anna Belle,
If the kitchen sink is at a relatively low level, tall men have to bend down to use it. But if it were lifted to be tall man level, shorter women, and men, wouldn’t be able to use it at all (or have to stand on a box).
Same with a vacuum cleaner. If the handle is too long, nobody can use it. All these things are designed so the shortest likely user will be able to work with them. Otherwise they’d be getting returns all day long.
JB in VA, I know what you mean about car manufacturers! I never wear shoulder harnesses because they are designed for men and cut women across the neck….some safety equipment, huh?
Neat post, thia….did you know that makes you a “Lucy Stoner?”
Go check out TN Guerilla Women’s latest post….it’s on women’s names! Apparently, CA just signed a “name equality” act.
Zee-
I am a Lucy Stoner! Thanks for the info.
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